What You Should Never Say to a Loved One With Cancer, According to a Psychologist

When a loved one falls seriously ill, words escape us. We want to do the right thing, to comfort, to soothe. And yet, certain phrases, spoken with the best intentions in the world, can have the opposite effect… Hurting, making someone feel guilty, or isolating them further. What are these words we think are comforting but can be overwhelming? And what can we say to truly support them without hurting their feelings? A psychologist sheds some light.

“Be strong” or “fight”: when the language of war becomes a burden

When faced with illness, those around us often adopt a combative tone. We then hear injunctions like  “Hang in there,” “You’re going to win this fight,” “Keep your spirits up .” On paper, this sounds encouraging. But in reality, it can feel like  a pressure that’s difficult to bear .

“Telling a sick person that they must fight is giving them the idea  that their recovery depends on their mental strength, courage, or willpower,” explains clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza.  “It’s like asking someone caught in a storm to smile and hold on without giving them shelter.”

However, illness, especially cancer, is not  a sporting event . It is not a challenge that we choose to take on or not. Some people, exhausted by treatment, simply no longer have the energy to “fight.” Making them believe that they must keep their spirits up at all costs amounts to denying them their right to fatigue, sadness, and anger.

Saying  “morale is 50% of healing”  can even be guilt-inducing. If the person isn’t feeling well, it suggests they’re sabotaging their own chance of recovery.  It’s an unfair burden, one they don’t need.

“I understand” or “my cousin had the same one”: be careful with the comparison

In an attempt to provide comfort, we sometimes have the reflex to compare the patient’s situation to another known situation:  “I understand what you are going through”, “You’ll see, my cousin had the same thing, he got over it”, “Today, it can be treated well” .

The intention is laudable, but the result can be  misunderstood, even hurtful . Because each illness is unique, as is each experience. Comparing things can sometimes be trivializing. And saying  “I understand”  can seem false or intrusive.  “No one can truly know what another is going through internally ,” the psychologist emphasizes.

We think we’re reassuring, but we can also give the impression of minimizing the pain or distracting from what the person is really going through.  It’s almost as if we’re trying to avoid the subject rather than listen.